A Deferred Hope

Hope deferred makes the heart sick – or how I’m looking at this right now, unfulfilled dreams hurts.

As a general rule, I’m an optimistic person. I look for the silver lining in a situation and tend to find it. The world doesn’t need more negativity or depression. I do have those negative emotions, but if I entertain those thoughts for long, they’ll stick around. Despair settles like an stubborn fog, and I don’t want to give them a chance to get comfortable. Because there is still good in this life. There is still hope.

But there are times when I need to sit with those emotions. I need to acknowledge them and what’s causing them. In the past I’ve buried emotions and stress until they all come out when there’s no room for more.

Now, in this season of life, I’ve walked into dreams and thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but I’ve taken another curve in the journey and I’m having trouble seeing around the next bend in the story. I’m acknowledging that I’m frustrated, that I feel like a failure, that I’m sad and lonely and feel out of place. That these unanswered, unfulfilled dreams, hurt.

Dialogue runs through my head telling me I didn’t hear the dream right. Maybe I didn’t hear the promises I thought I heard. Maybe I can’t trust what You said. Or maybe I don’t really know You because I didn’t hear You right. Maybe I don’t have what it takes. Am I fraud? Am I capable? Do I matter? Do I have the wrong motives?

Or per usual, am I just thinking too much?

And then I get angry with myself, because how selfish are these thoughts and doubts. In the grand scheme of things, my life is amazing and simple. Many people are struggling with survival, children are longing for someone to love them, families are trying to stick together, and I’m whining about being stuck.

My feelings are still valid and I’m trying to acknowledge that I’m feeling them, but I’m also trying to remember what I was given when I started this journey. I’m not alone in this process. There are plans bigger than me. I’m a piece of it. The bigger story will be told without me trying figure it all out. I get to learn along the way. I get to meet people. I get to learn to love people different than me. I get to do all of these thing. I don’t have to. I get to. I get to.

I was reading this article from NPR where they were interviewing Tony Hale from Veep and Arrested Development. I’ve heard him speak at a conference and he’s a fascinating guy. In the interview he was talking about doubts in his faith journey and it remind me a lot of me.

I think anytime in someone’s faith journey, my faith journey also, you go through doubting … I think you kind of have to go through that, honestly, just to ask the tough questions. … I mean, life is crazy, and to know that honestly a loving God is walking through it with me is very comforting for me. But yeah, I’ve been through my own times of just, What does this mean and how can this mean this? And ask the questions.

The thing about doubts is that they mess with you. They shake you to your foundation. They’re uncomfortable. They restructure your thoughts. But I’m seeing this as a good thing and not something to fear. I’m believing these doubts are shaking loose the cobwebs that don’t belong and solidifying what does belong.

Hope may be deferred for a season, but that doesn’t mean I stop hoping and working and being who I was created to be. Life is to be lived. To be enjoyed, to love and care for those you come in contact with. For now, those are the things that I can control and how I will continue.

Thoughts About Waiting

A Long Thoughts Post (I warned you…) . All of us seem to be searching for that thing. That thing that will make our lives epic, that will say we matter. Something bigger than ourselves and more the taking home a paycheck. . But that big dream never seems to happen when we want it to. Many times it comes almost imperceptibly. Little changes gradually affecting your life. . I was hoping I’d be further along than I am now. I’m not sure where, but I didn’t want to be back in this holding pattern again. I feel like I’ve been stutter stepping for 5 years. Waiting for that moment that would make all those small, everyday, imperceptible disciplines worth it. . LA was a big move. A risk. A leap. A lesson in trust. And I learned. I trusted. . That’s why I could make the decision to move back to Nebraska in November. It’s not what I wanted to do, but there was peace in it. Driving east through Arizona, I wondered if I would ever get to see the western horizon again. Would I ever get this adventure again? . I’ve always wanted to be based out of Nebraska and work remotely all over the country. For a year and half, I was able to live that out. But sometimes you have to make the adult decision to take care of your previous commitments and solidify your foundation before taking the next risk. Hopefully that foundation coupled with a risk will lead to the big moment making all the small moments make sense. Or not, but I still trust. And hope. . I’ve been in Nebraska for 6 months now, and I think I’ve finally accepted this fact. While I’m in the holding pattern, I plan, I prepare, I learn, I write, I make new friends, I stretch muscles I haven’t used. . The waiting is never wasted.

A photo posted by carolynjkruger (@carolynjkruger) on

Thoughts at the End of the Day

I’ve been relistening to Tim Ferris’s podcast with Seth Godin. It’s about two hours long and takes me 2-3 walks to get through the entire thing. But there are a lot of nuggets and wisdom to be gleaned. One in particular stuck out to me as I’ve been going about this daily writing and posting thing. Mr. Godin said just write, you’ll never get better unless you start and do something.

The post I wrote yesterday has qualities of something that I may be proud of down the line, but I’m more or less just trying not to be embarrassed by it right now. It wasn’t my best effort or that creative, but I took the time and hit publish. At least I did something. My perfectionist if tendencies would have never let that fly unless there was an outline and a general idea of where it was going or what was going to happen next. Shoot, I never would have started this process until I knew what the focus was going to be. So far it’s been a mismatch of whatever I know I can get done. Even now I’m internally telling myself to stop rambling.

I’ll go to sleep with this thought, you don’t have to have all your crap together and it all be well thought out and organized, sometimes you just commit and step.

Good night world.

Internal Dialogue

A dream is a wish your heart makes when your heart is fast asleep. But what if the dreams has come upon you slowly and almost imperceptibly to the point where you don’t remember a time when it wasn’t there.

But is the dream only an idea that you’ve remembered like remembering an old boyfriend’s phone number. You fear this dream may not even belong to you, like the old boyfriend wasn’t supposed to be, but the memory still lingers. Maybe you’re trying to force something that shouldn’t be. Maybe you’re holding on to something that shouldn’t be.

InternalPepTalk-1

If it should have been, wouldn’t the path be clearer and the constant knocking, answered?

Where’s the light at the end of the tunnel? All you need is a glimmer to hold on to. You’ve let enjoying life distract you from pursuing the dream and goal. You don’t want to go through the heart ache and failure again. You gloss it over like it’s not a big deal, trying not to let others see your disappointment, but it is a big deal and it does hurt.

Life is experienced in the pain as well as the joy. When you know one, the other is felt all the more.

Life is meant for living. Try and fail. Learn as you go. People aren’t going to understand, and your job isn’t to answer to those people.

Are you pursuing what You were created for? Even if you’re stumbling, you’re on the right path.

Still looking for what you’re created for? Find the thing that makes your eyes light up when you’re talking about it.

Still trying to find a way to make a living at it? Keep pushing. Don’t hold back.

Leave all of you on the court. That may be different day to day, but only you can determine what putting all of you into it means. Sometimes it may be the 5 extra pushups, that one last paragraph, turning off the computer and going to bed, or not being so hard on yourself.

You are capable of so much. Don’t sell yourself short.

Tony Hale – STORY

Tony Hale

Tony Hale

Arrested Development | Veep | Archibald’s Next Big Thing

Aww… Tony Hale. Thank you for speaking. You’re somewhat of a hero around here.

I knew of Tony Hale, but I had not had the pleasure(?) of watching Arrested Development or Veep, but it sounds like after Doctor Who that will be added to the list. He was hysterical. He has some amazing Liza Minnelli stories.

He was another speaker that felt like he was scheduled just for me. Sometimes a pastor will preach something you needed to hear at that exact moment. Tony’s not a preacher, but at points in his keynote he felt like one. He talked about how much of Hollywood is fear based and I can say the first few months of living in LA that’s exactly what I felt and I wasn’t even in the middle or the fringe of the industry. It’s something that breeds in this culture. And I need the reminder of enjoying the moment. I don’t have to have it all figured out. There’s joy in the moment – why not pay attention to it and enjoy life.

Below are my few notes from his talk. I was laughing too much to take anymore.

Being content where you are. Being present in the moment. Enjoy where you are.

If you start thinking too far into the future, you need to stop and say “not now”. Just be. Big thing really is here. Enjoy being here now.

Don’t believe you have value then when you reach the goal.  You have extreme value now. The business of Hollywood is so much fear based. I am valued now. Be present now.

Everybody wants to be known. Do you know me. If you are known by God and known by people who love you, you are good. Fame can isolate you and be not known. You get fearful and reclusive.

Tremendous amount of uncertainty in this world. Give yourself some grace. We’re all trying to figure it out. It can be really isolating.

Henri Nouwen

The logic of success is a fallacy. It’s a weird life to exists as a reality in someone’s imagination.

I will have the same value that I have now if I reach the success. Wake yourself up 100times a day to remember to be present.